If you are a survivor of sexual assault, please know that you are under no obligation to speak up or to turn your story into an empowering story for others. You are allowed to focus on yourself completely.
Just you.
Hocus pocus you in focus.
Perhaps all you want to do is to survive. Which is hard enough as it is. Surviving takes more what you may be capable to give it. It may require too much and end up overwhelming you. Know that you are allowed to take all the time you need to find your ground and stand up tall again.
But also know that a person betrayed you. That is not and can never be your fault. Stop replaying the scenario/s trying to figure out what to change, because no matter what you believe, you will never have any responsibility for what happened. Whether you like the word or not; you are a victim of a crime. And not just any crime - one of the worst crimes you can do to anyone. Rape takes away all trust one might have in the world. Rape and the memory of the rape cannot be left in the past. It follows you everywhere you walk. It is in the walk you talk and in the way you laugh. It will always be there lingering. And that is what many people don’t understand. The feeling of having a dark spot in your mind and on your body. It is dirty, but it can’t be washed or rubbed away. And it feels like it is you – who are dirty but listen very carefully to me right now – it is not your dirt, it is theirs. You have no ownership of that dirt and no responsibility. You are not to blame. And you’re not obligated to show people the dirt if you aren’t comfortable with flashing yourself. You don’t have to talk about it, and you don’t have to show it off.
The truth is that being raped can destroy you. No. Let me correct that sentence. The truth is that rape has the ability tell you, that you are damaged or that you are no longer whole. The feeling it gives you inside is so grim, that it devours all sense of self and wholeness.
But please know that they did not take anything from you. You are still you – though it might not feel like it. I promise you - it is all there.
After someone sexual assaulted me I spend the first few years in chaos. No one ever said that recovering would be this hard. Now – years after I am still fighting the mess that it left inside me. I fight the sadness, the hurt, the pain, the shame, the fright but most of all I fight the anger. I have learned that I am angry. I used to be all frightened and scared, but through counselling I turned some of that into anger. Though anger can be a healing feeling, it can also be destructive and keep you in your other hurtful feelings. But it is easier to be angry than it is to be scared all the time. And all I can say is: You do you, Boo.
Some people will never understand that surviving is more than a fulltime job. You might encounter family or friends, who will ask you to choose between surviving and dwelling. We of cause want to move on eventually. But the people, who set the ultimatum doesn’t mean for you to choose. What they are asking of you is to move on now – Because they are tired of being faced with your trauma. But you know what? Fuck that. If you need to ‘dwell’ then inhabit the fuck out of it and build a cabin. And if you need to ‘survive’ then forget it ever happened. And if you want to be angry and start a movement, then please go ahead! No matter what you choose, please know that I stand behind you every part of the way. No one can tell you how to feel.
So, if you need to feel angry – feel it.
If you need to forget –move on.
And if you need to forgive … Then forgive them.
You are a fighter. Fight on.
