The truth about getting a service dog

 I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT GETTING A SERVICE DOG

Let there be no doubt; I love this dog.

I love Tintin so much. 

There is no way of describing it.

But I am gonna try anyway. 

Because things have not been easy

I got Tintin the 19/7 2021. 

And I will be honest; I had a hard time bonding with him in the beginning. 

It came to a point, where I was asked by the coach if I wanted to deliver him back. 

And I THANK GOD THAT I SAID NO!

Before I got my service dog I told the coaches that I really wanted a female dog, because I thought that I might have a hard time bonding with a male dog because of my PTSD. When they presented me for Tintin, I almost said no; because I wanted a girl. 

But then I would have to wait even longer, so I said yes to give Tintin a shot. 

And when I met him, he was so awesome, calm and sweet. And I gave them the green light to go ahead and deliver him to me as my service dog. 

THIS WAS BIG. 

All male energy is difficult for me. 

And when he was delivered at my doorstep a month later I told myself, that I was ready. 

But was I really? 

I felt that he loved me immediately. And it made me so sad.  Because I did not love him. 

[Excuse me while I cry]

I felt like caring for him, feeding and walking him. 

But ultimately I felt like I had a “postpartum depression”

It was so hard to give him a proper life. 

I went from lying down all hours of the day. 

Being sick.

Barely caring for myself 

        to

Having the life of another being in my hands. 

It was difficult. So difficult. 

And when you at the same time is doubting if you will ever come to love this being, things might seem to be more than you can handle. They did for me. 

So when the coach called I said: I dont know. 

She said: Do you want me to pick him up?

I said……: (Nothing)

Because yes. I wanted to give up. 

I was never going to love Tintin. 

And everyone said: He is magnificent. 

I couldn’t see it. 

They asked: Arent you in love? 

I said yes. 

But I wasn’t. 

But here comes the good part. 

Tintin has grown on me with time. 

He is really difficult to handle at times

He pulls the leash. A lot. 

And one night I came crying home to my parents from our evening walk

I didn’t cry no more because I didn’t love him. 

I cried because I was afraid that he would never be a good service dog. 

AND I WAS AFRAID TO LOSE HIM

I was so scared that he would be taken away from me, when the coaches found out all the difficulities I had with him. 

Suddenly

I 

LOVED

HIM

SO

MUCH

I love him so much it hurts me. 

I don’t want to lose him. 

I want him with me every day for the rest of my life. 

All I actually wanted to say is:

Getting a service dog is a lot of work

And you are sick

You might not love your dog right away

But hang in there! 

It will get better! 

I promise you.

It gets better!

The chapter about pain

Before I start this chapter, I just wanted to note, that then I talk about pain, I refer to both psychical- and mental pain – both of which can be excruciating and might leave you feeling traumatised and helpless. The thing about pain is that it rarely can be dealt with alone. Oh well, it can, but should it? Anyway, continue on… 

You are strong as fuck! Were you ever in doubt? Do you not see how bright you shine? No matter what is happening in your life - you will be strong enough to go through it. There is a future version of yourself, who is so proud that you were strong enough. And that is the part that you need to feed. Feed the idea that you will come out of this stronger and happier. 

In some way pain is like water. It can be nourishing and wash away dirt. But it can also be disastrous and dangerous. Some people like pain for the same reason. It gives closure in several ways. When you are hurting, please remember your strength. Remember how your skin is thick and protects you from the blows of reality. And by that, I mean that you have a certain steadfastness about you. You are stronger than a what crap reality, experiences and other people will throw at you. Because let’s be real for a second. The hardest blows in life are rarely from coincidence. They are caused by other people. But you know what? – You are stronger than that. So, take all the resoluteness you can muster and decide, that this pain is a phase. You do not need pain to live. That that is where pain is different from water. No matter what you have been told through life, pain is inevitable but also temporary. Pain should be momentary and fleeting. Not long-lasting and enduring and certainly not the centre of your life. 

It is often said, that:

“Through pain we know that we are alive.”

But I call bullshit. I used to wish for bad things to happen, because then I would know that I was still alive, but that is a way of feeding anxiety and we don’t want that. When pain is a measure of life, how can we be alive without pain? How can we imagine a life without pain?

Don’t get me wrong. Pain can be a great motivator but aspiring to live your life in pain will do more harm than good. Some people who live in chronic pain will become numb and will eventually not realise how much pain they are in. They learn to tolerate pain to a degree that we were not meant to. Pain is a vital function of the human body, but you are not obligated to keep holding on to the pain in order to be tough or a survivor. It is completely okay to let go. In fact, letting go can be a sign of extraordinary strength and force when you have lived with pain for a long time. In case my words echo in your mind and you have realised that you might be holding on to pain or trauma, remind yourself that you are allowed to breath in fresh air and breath out agony. Pain will not disappear just because you will it so. If you are ready to let go, I recommend talking to a professional. A good doctor or psychiatrist will be able to turn events and incidents that might be the reason why you are holding on – and the best part is: They can help you cure the pain. There is no need to go through this all alone. 

You might also be thinking: “Christina, I am not ready to let go.” Then I am going to tell you: Sure thing, honey. No need to rush it. If you are not ready to let go, then you need to learn how to live with the pain. Living through pain requires another type of strength. This is a bizarre and unusual but also an amazing kind of strength. It relies on drive and determination. Being in pain is addicting. I know this, because I had a severe depression, I was feeling at home in the odd sense of throbbing and hate to myself.  And sometimes in a weak moment I find myself longing for that sense of belonging. Don’t get me wrong. Being depressed was the worst thing, I ever had to go through. And I am glad it is over. But though it is over, I feel like I am still able to sense the remnants of it calling out for me. So, trust me when I say, that choosing pain is an amazing kind of strength, though it may sound weird to people, who haven’t tried it. But to quote myself; Don’t let pain become the centre of your life. You deserve to fill your existence with much more giving and beautiful things. You are not your pain. And the pain is not you. 

So, whatever you choose, I hope that it will work for you. I really do. Pain is personal, but we all have it. And perhaps you have read this chapter and thought about how this corresponds with your private, emotional or specific pain. And please know that this chapter was written for you. No matter how big or small your pain is. This is your book. This is all about you. 

And this is where future-you comes back into the picture. You have an obligation to yourself. I know I said that your only obligation to love yourself, and this is it. You need to give future-you a chance. And trust me, the future-you will be proud that you found your inner strength and that you are feeding good and positive vibes for your future.